Team Meeting Survivor Gifts

"I'd like to take a few minutes to make a series of promises I have no intention of keeping."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

"Let's start with an icebreaker..."

"The meeting will come to order."

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

Lethal Presentation

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

"Quit stalling, Smithers. Where's the SALES chart?"

"Look at them smiling. They've reached their comfort zone."

"My preferred pronoun is they."

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

'All those in doubt, raise your eyebrows.'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

"I'll be glad when they invent PowerPoint."

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

'Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure my little talk has made you all think'

"That's unanimous then - we don't know what to do."

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Come on, come on, let's work together!'

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

Speed of assimilation VS New team members

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

'Frankly, I'm not sure this whole idea-sharing thing is working.'

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'