Zoom Meeting Survivor Gifts

"Working" from home

"Sorry I'm late, boss...I forgot about today's video meeting!"

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

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"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

Meeting not going well?"

Unsuccessful board meeting.

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."

violence in workplace

There's a real disconnect going on here.

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."

'Don't go too far out on a limb - he'll send you to a branch office.'

'And this chart shows our rate of growth.'

'I have identified 240 stages of organizational change. Before I discuss them, coffee anyone?'

"Today's meeting will be endless, with a half-hour break for lunch."

'This is the most dysfunctional company I've ever seen. Everyone is in complete denial about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"I know this is just my humble opinion, but it's backed by the most comprehensive rumor, gossip and speculation this office can provide!"

People, what a fantastic opportunity for a reset!

"Will you stop 'tutting' until I've finished my report."

"Now that I'm CEO... all my competitive weirdness will be aimed at you."

"Oxygen masks. When a meeting gets so boring as to be life-threatening, they automatically drop down!"