Meeting Survivor Gifts

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'...any other business?'

'And the vote to have a unanimous consensus passed five to two.'

'I fear we may have strayed from the agenda somewhat.'

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

'And this chart shows our rate of growth.'

'I'd love to add something to this discussion but I have no idea what we're talking about.'

'I have identified 240 stages of organizational change. Before I discuss them, coffee anyone?'

"So if you don't mind, I'll just go ahead and read out each slide word for word in a droning monotone until you all yearn for the sweet release of death."

"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"I see meetings. Lots of meetings."

"Okay, if that's all the finger pointing we have today, we can move on!"

'Slap me when he's done. I'm putting myself into a self-induced coma.'

"We want you to be more imaginative in your work...and this is how we want you to do it."

'That was some grueling meeting. The minutes were kept but the hours were lost.'

"Today's meeting will be endless, with a half-hour break for lunch."

'Just for the minutes did anyone manage to catch the chairman's parting words?'

In case of fire, change subject.

'I can never remember, do you make ball bearings or pork pies?'

'This is the most dysfunctional company I've ever seen. Everyone is in complete denial about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"I know this is just my humble opinion, but it's backed by the most comprehensive rumor, gossip and speculation this office can provide!"

People, what a fantastic opportunity for a reset!

"Will you stop 'tutting' until I've finished my report."

"Mr. Smith's office doesn't have a door. You have to batter your way through the wall."

'In the absence of an agenda I thought I'd spend the next couple of hours droning on and on about anything that pops into my head!'

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

'Let me rephrase that. Go home and sleep on it.'

"How was your school board meeting?"

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'My gut feeling is that it's a bit premature to bring in consultants.'

"You've put together quite a diverse team: Francis is preoccupied, Jada's on the phone, Phil is distracted, and Jackson is asleep."

A meeting in which issues are resolved and a meeting.

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."