Staff Meeting Survivor Gifts

'The scores for our latest standardized tests are disappointing. We have to articulate a coherent policy of obfuscation.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

Lethal Presentation

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

'As I walk through the halls, I see teachers teaching and students learning and I say to myself, 'what wonderful school, what a wonderful world.''

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'It's settled then. Your people will meet with my people if they ever get me any people.'

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

'Do we want to tackle this head on, or just stun it with a glancing blow until next Monday?'

Meeting not going well?"

Unsuccessful board meeting.

"Sorry I'm late, boss...I forgot about today's video meeting!"

'Your job description is fairly simple: Stay in your cubicle and try not to make things worse.'

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."

violence in workplace

"Hold your questions until I've talked so long no one knows or cares what you're asking about."

There's a real disconnect going on here.

'Don't go too far out on a limb - he'll send you to a branch office.'

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."

"It's hard to manage a staff meeting in a company whose employees all have laser pointers."

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."