Sweets Satirist Gifts

Harsh Mellows.

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Cake Free Zone

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Honest Vending

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"It's choux pastry, not shoe pastry!"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

Breakfast cereal in the Treasury.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

'People soup again?'

"Would you care for a slice of lemon dribble cake Mr Dobbs?"

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

How to make your own snickers bar

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"Riddle your salad with pepper, sir?"

"Why didn't you think of that before I put on the icing?"

"They're free Valentine's Day gifts...chocolate flavored dental floss."

'Tonight you will be enjoying Howard, a happily raised free range chicken slaughtered no ten miles from here. He is accompanied by his wife, Lily, who ironically sautes opposite your own wife.'

"Why is living my best life so fattening?"

'The Cod's off, but you can have whale and chips.'

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

'You're lucky she didn't press charges. Never touch a woman eating ice cream.'

'Trying to sell these things is like flogging a dead horse.'