Humorist Of Desserts Gifts

How to make your own snickers bar

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'The Burrito King.'

Cake Free Zone

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'