Success Show-off Gifts

'Selling a stock and marking a profit is better than selling it at a loss, if only for the bragging rights.'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

Jumping Man

'I'm a star!'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'It's the newest thing out. A big screen fish finder.'

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

Toenail clipping missile.

Hollywood producer.

"Er. . . anything else?"

Bette Midler

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

TV stage door

"Fashion Week"

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

Stage producer.

No Talent Agency

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

'We've got 'Jumpin' Jake' Stevens on drums, 'Slick' Chuck on bass and 'Wasted Pete' Walthons on the trumpet.'

"...and I'm an incredibly flexible gymnast. If you get my drift..."

Crossing the Thin Line into Show Business

Magic Trick

Morgan Freeman

'Johnny Depp'

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

'But seriously , folks, I know you're out there, I can hear you bleeding!'

'That should be an easy act to follow.'