Suburban Lifestylers Gifts

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"He loves his leaf blower."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"No, dude. Smoke the grass first. Then eat the candy."

"The trees are laughing at us."

'...And as suburban sprawl continues to grow, many people are finding themselves living uncomfortably close to their wildlife neighbors.'

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"When the heck did leaf blowers become grass blowers?!"

"Lemonade" "Vodka"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

Hedge Car

The Burbs

Moving Van.

John Updike.

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

"I told you everyone was moving out of the city!"

"This happy breed of men, this little world, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this east end of Long Island!"

Country Mouse and City Mouse Meet Suburb Mouse

Poker Moms

"Look lady, I told you before; anything over one-hundred pounds you gotta take to the dump yourself."

"If the Greenlanders don't want to become Americans, Trump can buy our meadow! It's green, too, and we wouldn't have to keep pulling up the weeds!"

"It ran amok."

"The boondocks R us, I guess."

Mowing the Lawn

Next 5 Exits: Five sprawling suburbs that look so much like each other even WE can't tell the difference any more. Best of luck to you.

Did you know that suburban white males have over 100 words for lawn?

ahhh...peace and quiet...

Mark and Gwyneth had a dark secret. At night, once the curtains were closed to the suburban world outside, the facade they put up to the neighbours was revealed to be 100 genuine...they were totally boring.

Joe Biden Voters Enthusiastically Embrace the Death of Hope and Change

"'Scuse me, you getting out?"