Submission Enthusiast Gifts

'It's from the New Yorker, I've been rejected 200 times, once for each word.'

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

'Can our software do that?'

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

Putin and Zelensky

His Master's Thesis.

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

'I'm moving up to be Chairperson-of-the-board. One of you will be President.' (Men have fencing swords).

Filling the Missile Gap

'What I did on my summer vacation: I wrote about what I had done the rest of the year.'

Copywriter's blank paper compared to the gridded screen of a content provider.

'Can you debunk my essay?'

What must every 5 paragraph essay contain? 5 paragraphs! For the last 18 years, some wise guy says that as if no one's heard it before. Congratulations. Who was this year's Mr. Predictable? You're wrong, Mr. K. A girl said it. Wow! Another triumph for women's equality in my classroom.

An acceptable level of TV violence.

The Real Russian history

Bleh! What's up, little man? I can't figure out how to start my essay on integrity and honesty. Oh yeah. I once wrote one of those. Excellent. Can I use yours? Honestly?

No Time-Outs Left. Please Help.

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"The narrative seems contrived."

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

"I think she marked yours in blue pen because she used up all her red on mine."

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

Fine Print Letters

Angels crying because they lost first place to a big butch man

Big Guys vs Little Guys

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

"Writing that book was a real strain."

'I'll pause for your moans and groans.'

Fyodor Sologub

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Outline; Introduction, Body, Conclusion.