Student Government Advisor Gifts

Student Council. Ernie's no longer on the student council, but he's sticking around as a lobbyist.

Ethics exam cheater.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Continuing education.

U of Debt

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

All Hail the Matriarchy

"Should we put down what we think is right, or what we think you think is right?"

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"Being the smartest girl in third grade is going to Melinda's head."

Saving for College.

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"There are no dumb questions, Billy, but there are plenty of dumb answers!"

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

"Improve your geography results, Perkins or you're history!"

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"We're sure we've got the right numbers... Now we just need to work out what order to put them in!"

"I love college."

"Sorry, but no. I can't lend you a student to help clean up your yard."

'Yeah, but would you want to have a beer with him.'

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'