Strategic Scoffer Gifts

'And this is our strategic planning department...'

'Big sale at the Dog Store. Buy 1, get 2 free.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"This is a fast-paced job you're applying for...what are your goals...where do you see yourself in the next 10 minutes?"

Pig's Human Bank

Goal!

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

'let's see if we can find any loopholes in this 'honesty-is-the-best-policy' nonsense.'

'Darling...I'm afraid the sofa salesmen got the better of me.'

How judicious you are/How thin you spread it

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

Flexible working

'Motion seconded!' (golfers)

'We could use a little sales magic.'

'Where now in Afghanistan?'

"Found it when I was digging the garden...."

'When we got married, I said I'd move mountains for you...I never said anything about a sofa!'

'I'm always thinking of my fellow man - that's how I stay ahead of him.'

I'd say you've got assertivity issues

Games on a train.

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

'I've started marketing my shop like a certain computer company ...'

"I'm looking for something that expresses the spirit of the season but doesn't neglect the need for a credible deterrent."

"The Motor Vehicle Department had some concerns for my safety."

Successful business man

'I'd like you to go work for our competition. It's the only way I know to bring them to their knees.'

"Technically I have managed to get that big old sofa out the door..."

Days Of Conquest

'Of course there's a solution - buy a three seater settee.'

Santa Claus Hanging in Stocking

'Maybe we should wait until after we've won all that money playing poker until we tell the boss where to go...'

A corruption risk dial ranks the danger today.