Strategic Scoffer T-Shirts

'And this is our strategic planning department...'

'Big sale at the Dog Store. Buy 1, get 2 free.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"This is a fast-paced job you're applying for...what are your goals...where do you see yourself in the next 10 minutes?"

Pig's Human Bank

'let's see if we can find any loopholes in this 'honesty-is-the-best-policy' nonsense.'

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

'Darling...I'm afraid the sofa salesmen got the better of me.'

How judicious you are/How thin you spread it

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

'Motion seconded!' (golfers)

'We could use a little sales magic.'

'Where now in Afghanistan?'

"Found it when I was digging the garden...."

'I'm always thinking of my fellow man - that's how I stay ahead of him.'

'When we got married, I said I'd move mountains for you...I never said anything about a sofa!'

I'd say you've got assertivity issues

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

"I'm looking for something that expresses the spirit of the season but doesn't neglect the need for a credible deterrent."

Games on a train.

'I've started marketing my shop like a certain computer company ...'

Successful business man

'I'd like you to go work for our competition. It's the only way I know to bring them to their knees.'

"Technically I have managed to get that big old sofa out the door..."

Days Of Conquest

'Of course there's a solution - buy a three seater settee.'

'Maybe we should wait until after we've won all that money playing poker until we tell the boss where to go...'

Santa Claus Hanging in Stocking

A corruption risk dial ranks the danger today.