Statistics Nerd Gifts

"I hate to be a downer, but, statistically, people are more likely to die of heart disease than by getting

Phone Quiz - Your Chance of Winning Is: A A Cat in Hells, B A Cat in Hells, C All of the Above.

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

Great Chinese Dynasties

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"Do you promise to love, honour and contribute to the gross national product?"

Pi Ala Mode.

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

Economy Slows: 'It's still too fast for me.'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"Well, I'm studying mathematics and I'm sure that's tougher than math."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Post holiday sales look similar to the crater that killed the dinosaurs."

The IRS emptied my pouch.

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

IRS, 'I think we should audit this one, sir -- his signature looks shaky.'

The End of Trump?

"No, unfortunately I won't be raising your debt ceiling."

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"Subtracting net cash brings the P/E down to 47, and, finally, crossing out the 4 brings it down to a very reasonable P/E of 7."

Pi fight!

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'The National Debt just sounds like it's a lot of money because it's such a large number.'

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Then he smiled and his very last words were 'Now the inland revenue will never find out!''

Bank Robbery Statistics

"Of course there's emotion in business. Has your heart never skipped a beat at the sight of a long string of zeros after a seven."