Statistic Slinger Gifts

My statistics are not rubbish. Why are you always so mean?

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Abbreviations here, abbreviations there, and one is more incomprehensible than the next!"

"I've read all your books and seen all your plays, and I wear your 'Gimme' cap."

'Of students surveyed, 64% prefer English and 32% prefer math. The fact that these numbers do not add up to 100 may help explain why.'

"It all happened so fast. 'Notable Book of the Year' to the remainder shelves to HERE in just six months!"

Meet the author

"This is where things started getting really weird."

The novel was printed and in the stores ... any minute now, the world would beat down his door.

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

Oog is an expert at throwing stones at things - he's a "rock-it" scientist.

Freedom

Whatever!

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

'The first thing we will do is select a block captain.'

So you've lost your journalism job. Yep and my freelance contracts. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Free distribution of information is driving publishers out of business. I can't compete against thousands of free blogs. Twenty years I spent learning to be a professional journalist and I'm a dinosaur. What'd you say? I was reading Gawker. Shoot me.

"I just want to say thanks for getting me into this writing group."

Vote Grinkley! Now you see him, now you don't.

Pianist-boxer

"Love the tie, Chad—that is so pimp!"

'Shh, Ben's running it right to us. That's his 'I've got everything under control' howl.'

Skywriter's Block

"We're still pretty far apart. I'm looking for a six-figure advance and they're refusing to read the manuscript."

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'