Startup Skeptic Gifts

Going out of business...

"Beware start-ups with a negative cash flow."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

I.T. Fear

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

'Tech stocks dropped on the finding that technology isn't neccessarily the best solution to everything.'

"And may I now introduce Professor Muckenspucker, who is an authority on artificial stupidity."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

Computer Class.

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

Cartoon about having many investors for crowd funding.

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

GPS can still have a few bugs in the system.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

Privacy

"We need to rethink our strategy of hoping the Internet will just go away."

How Grandma Sees the Remote

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

Big Brother.