Starting College Gifts

'You don't have to worry about my future any more- I just downloaded an entire college education.'

Philosophy Department: You are Here...But why?

'Our school computers are a month old. How can we become competitive in our job market if we're being trained on obsolete equipment?'

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'You are supposed to be here.'

"It's a great school, but it wasn't my first choice."

Cave College: 'We offer two majors, Hunting and Gathering.'

'Actually this is a very experimental college. We have no curriculum and no classes. How it works, essentially, is if you want to learn something, you go someplace and you learn it.'

'...and help my parents to pick the right investments for my college education.'

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

'You can't take the Ethics course-you're a Political Science major.'

'Please tell me you aren't my roommate.'

"My goal is to major in something that won't become obsolete in four years."

"Don't tell me, first time away from home, right?"

'This is a good time to be young, son. Look at all the opportunities you have in front of you...you can help sole the problems of the environment, poverty,civil rights....'

Tuition fees.

'Oh him? That's Frank. My parents made me take in a boarder to cover the cost of my car insurance.'

'As I see it, Pinocchio was motivated by a need to prove himself while both hansel and Gretel were driven by an inborn rebelliousness.'

'I finished my homework, and half my college freshman courses.'

The sixth college sense. 'I see debt people.'

'...and help my parents to pick the right mutual funds in my portfolio for my education...'

'New career low - gave out a page of Ulysses to my freshmen and they thought it was a wordsearch.'

Exam Questions Foretold

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

"...This is the only way I can get though college!"

'It's a private school. Can't say which one, it's private.'

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

'List the constitutional amendments in any order? Hmmm ... 4th, 10th ... Ummmm ... 6th, 8th, 5th, ... '

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

'I'm going to the library to study, so don't wait up.'

The undecided department

Building has etched in stone above it: 'Education', 'Tradition', 'Financing'

Citations Needed!

'Of course, I'm argumentative.. I'm PRE-LAW, for goodness sake!'