Staff Training Gifts

"In principle we're happy with the trust idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated!"

'He's not very good at accepting criticism.'

"I've organised training on dealing with poverty, homelessness, stress management and powerlessness."

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

Brian was very proud of his dog.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

Overjumpers

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'Fetching is a good thing...but there can be TOO MUCH of a good thing.'

Dog tricks. 'He's doing it right now. Dudley dreams in Technocolor!'

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"O.K. you're ready to go on to the less embarrassing weights."

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

"Shake! Good Dog."

"Empty again? What's going on around here anyway?"

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"Look. They say sit, you sit. They say roll over, you roll over. Where's the prob?"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'Due to cutbacks, he lost his company vehicle, so he has to improvise.'

"Not a bad list kiddo, but I know them all! I've told you it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks..."

'He's finally done it - kicked breakfast TV!'

'Need I remind you who's boss here?'

Hanging off every word...

Dogs stealing cat food - Vice Squad orders 'Stay!'

'I'm afraid I can't take you to my leader without a prior appointment.'

"The GOOD news is that 94 people want to attend the leadership training, the bad news is that 64 of them want to change the venue, 56 the time and 45 want to be course leader."