Workplace Training Gifts

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"...and this is where we train our employees to think out of the box"

'Your training will be the next five minutes watching my fingers move at the speed of light.'

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

Brian was very proud of his dog.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

Overjumpers

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Do you think he's ready for the big round-up?'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'Fetching is a good thing...but there can be TOO MUCH of a good thing.'

"Empty again? What's going on around here anyway?"

"Shake! Good Dog."

"O.K. you're ready to go on to the less embarrassing weights."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"Jimmy, I want you to meet our new safety officer."

Dog tricks. 'He's doing it right now. Dudley dreams in Technocolor!'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"Look. They say sit, you sit. They say roll over, you roll over. Where's the prob?"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"Not a bad list kiddo, but I know them all! I've told you it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks..."

Hanging off every word...

Dogs stealing cat food - Vice Squad orders 'Stay!'

"The GOOD news is that 94 people want to attend the leadership training, the bad news is that 64 of them want to change the venue, 56 the time and 45 want to be course leader."

"You need to take the weak parts of your presentation and work them into something that won't get you fired."