Sports Statistics Lover Pillows

"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

Footballer and Bacteria.

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

Bank Robbery Statistics

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

He had finally calculated that the Cubs would win the Series.

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'The idea of an artists' retreat is to get AWAY from business concerns, Mr. Harlow.'

Social median

The statistician marrying the probability expert...

"He left behind a wife, three kids, and the number one rated fantasy football quarterback."

The Stat family

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"You'll be pleased to know you're making good progress - you've just become a statistic."

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

Pitching guidelines

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

Man confusing man using statistics.

"He's having a terrific year - four dinosaurs, three brontosaurs, and five tyrannosaurs so far."

'Oh, I hate sport too, but I just love reading the statistics...'

F&E CPAs. There's about a month until taxes are due. I like our new business doing the tax returns for athletes. The tennis player is over the net income target he set. Capitol gains were earned by the Washington Nationals baseball player. What about the hockey player who only scores goals on deflections? Let's call it "tip income"! And the speed eater who consumes dozens of hot dogs in minutes? Well, that's "really gross income."

"Mr Giles, when I recommended that investment to you, I was reading the wrong chart - a chart concerning home runs in the National League. But it didn't matter - the stock went up anyway."

Database Ball.

"Boring game today."

The Armageddon stakes.

'At first, fantasy football was a harmless hobby. Then i started to believe I really owned a tam and Eli Manning really was my quarterback....'

'See? Right there where the brain's supposed to be? Nothing but a head full of sports statistics.'