Sports Stats Guru Pillows

"1-1"

Footballer and Bacteria.

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

Hair Style Menu

"He left behind a wife, three kids, and the number one rated fantasy football quarterback."

"Would you guys shut up and let me watch the game?"

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

'Just remember at the Olympics the finish line has become the bottom line.'

Pitching guidelines

'The sports seasons never end, now with all his fantasy leagues.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

You're just reading the stuff scrolling across the bottom...

'I think the guy in the black trunks is going to take a dive.' (he has Titanic tattoo on his chest).

"He's having a terrific year - four dinosaurs, three brontosaurs, and five tyrannosaurs so far."

'Oh, I hate sport too, but I just love reading the statistics...'

"May the best team win and could we please get through this game without some kind of controversy?"

"We're updating stats for our fantasy football league."

Game Of Chance and Game of Skill.

Enough said.

We interrupt this game because our sponsor has just filed for bankruptcy.

'After much thought and consideration, I've decided to remain as coach of the team in order to spend less time with my family.'

"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."

'See? Right there where the brain's supposed to be? Nothing but a head full of sports statistics.'

Home wins/Road wins

'Is it true that last year you earned more than the prime minister?'

'I had possession of the ball more than any other player. . . Yeah, it's my ball.'