Sports Stats Savant Pillows

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

"He left behind a wife, three kids, and the number one rated fantasy football quarterback."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Footballer and Bacteria.

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'Since Darwin said it's survival of the fittest, I thought I'd better take up an aerobic sport.'

Footbalistas - A group of people passionately dedicated to the all-day broadcast of professional sports."

Sporting World God: And on the seventh day he stitched up the television broadcast rights.

"And you know, realistically, it's much safer than driving."

The Stat family

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

Pitching guidelines

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

Man confusing man using statistics.

Jesus Saves

Bureau of statistics and probability

'Oh, I hate sport too, but I just love reading the statistics...'

"He's having a terrific year - four dinosaurs, three brontosaurs, and five tyrannosaurs so far."

Things get heated at the outing.

Database Ball.

"My client wants a fifty-per-cent salary boost, a bonus guarantee, and a snappy choreographed victory dance he can do after he makes a touchdown."

"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."

'See? Right there where the brain's supposed to be? Nothing but a head full of sports statistics.'

Home wins/Road wins

"Yes constable, a rising graph is often a good thing, but not when we're talking about the crime rate!"

'I had possession of the ball more than any other player. . . Yeah, it's my ball.'

"They found me guilty, but I beat the point spread!"

"Who let Urkel in here?"