Sports Statistician Pillows

'I had possession of the ball more than any other player. . . Yeah, it's my ball.'

Footballer and Bacteria.

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Cricket Accidents.

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'...I don't like your chances!'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

Centaur Forward

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Wilfried Zaha

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

Lost Season

Basketball.

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

'Blimey, boss - that's a bit revolutionary, isn't it?'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"We would have won if it hadn't been for the other team."