Sports Statistician Pillows

'I had possession of the ball more than any other player. . . Yeah, it's my ball.'

Footballer and Bacteria.

He had finally calculated that the Cubs would win the Series.

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Cricket Accidents.

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

Centaur Forward

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'...I don't like your chances!'

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'All this viewing is an endurance event in itself...'

Lost Season

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

Basketball.

Jose Mourinho & Roman Abramovich Caricature.

Wilfried Zaha

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."