Sports Owner Gifts

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Fast food. Even faster food

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Today's special... donuts.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

Man at computer at sports company wears sweat band on head.

Bar snacks served in bird-feeders.

Kitchen Kapers

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

"This is our soft opening."

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

Desert $2.75. See? -- It wasn't a typo.

'When he comes through that door, let's all jump up and give him a big kiss!'

"I see you've security marked your property."

"The food isn't bad, but I don't care much for the floor show!"

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."