Sports Team Owner Gifts

"We won again, and guess what? A Russian oligarch wants to buy us!"

Today, business expert, Professor Ernie, will answer questions. The first is from an upholsterer who has lots of business but loses money on every order. The problem is that you're covering everything except your costs! The owner of a baseball team wants to know if you he should re-sign the team's best player, the league leader in double and triples. I don't think he can afford the high base salary. And a perfume company is struggling to survive. Their strategy has been to only produce exo

'We're in a fantasy team owners' league, we locked out our players and came here to yuck it up.'

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

Fast food. Even faster food

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Today's special... donuts.

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

"Did you know that when my mom played soccer, only the winner got a trophy?"

Man at computer at sports company wears sweat band on head.

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Kitchen Kapers

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

"This is our soft opening."

Bar snacks served in bird-feeders.

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Desert $2.75. See? -- It wasn't a typo.