Sports Newbie Gifts

Olympics create interest in curling.

Perils of the double play.

Good luck tonight, xoxo, Coach.

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

'Here we go again...'

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

Future Wrestler

"Tom, let's explore why you feel Andrea's inability to understand 'icing the puck' is passive-aggressive."

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

'It's all right, miss, I'm only loking for our cricket-ball!'

"Gym for regular people" "No intimidating trainers!" "Lo-tech" "Less is more!" "Not plastic" "Fluffy and scented" "No mirrors" "Full service restaurant"

"Well, dad. . . when I was a kid I got in trouble for trampling on the lawn or for beating up others. . . today, I get a lot of money for it!"

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Oh, man, I forgot to stretch, ever."

Please seat to be weighted.

Computer books for dummies.

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

'You're SURE that you've played water polo before?'

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

'I'm no good at push ups.'

"Your fingers are the only part of you that's in shape. Apparently, the only exercise you get is texting."

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

American footballers with numbers correlating to their size.

"It's a special golf bag for beginners - It has a built-in GPS."

'Play your best. There's going to be a scout for the ten year olds in the stands!'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

Mulligan's first mulligan.

"Sure doc, I can eat healthy tasteless food and exercise until my lungs implode. Or, you can just inject some drain cleaner into my eyeball and save us both a lot of time and trouble."