Spendthrift Jokester Gifts

"If the best things in life are free why does it always cost me money to feel good?"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Welcome all to the monthly gathering of Tightwads United. Hi there. Hello. Hey. On tonight's agenda: Dumpster diving, coupon clipping, and a special lecture. How to carpool while always getting the other person to drive. I'm like a god. Woohoo!! Yeah!!! Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap. Tightwads United.

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

'The popularity polls love what you've done with the budget deficit....moving the decimal one point to the left.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'You must know my kids...they spend like there's no tomorrow.'

I spent it all under the silly notion that it was all mine.

"I don't need one, Gracie. My shopping list is very simple! Things I have a coupon for and things that are on sale!"

'I'm worried - she insisted on closing every one of her accounts while she waited...'

'We have to move again -- I've worn out all the banks in town.'

'I warned you, Dr. Jekyll. It was a bad idea to give an additional credit card to Mr. Hyde.'

'Cuts in Roman times.'

With more and more graduates defaulting on college loans, many loan companies have hired undercover hecklers!

'Ooops, wrong door!'

'Here's a twenty. Go nuts.'

Your Flexible Fiend.

Secretary of Comedy Meeting with Other Cabinet Members

Be flamboyant-today living within your means is mucking-up the economy.

GPS Shoes

'How much exactly is a chinese takeaway?'

'Sorry Santa we're over budget for 'meeting the dreams of young children' and we won't have funds for 'screams of delight' until 2016 at the earliest.'

'Parties, discoteques, pubs... It's hard enough spending all your money without me having to earn it first'!

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

"Actually, I was hoping for someone more bullish as my broker."

"I suppose we could convert it to bitcoin."

Stay with your present market investments. Your stock will start to pick up any time now.

"...I'd say your health was way below the poverty line!"

"... So, let me get this straight. You want to offer your 'goose that lays golden eggs' as collateral on a £250 loan?"

The new ATMs.

'The poor economy is hitting everywhere, Have you noticed they cut back on pockets and halos.'

"The shop was so quiet I could hear your overdraft growing."

'He said the secret to happiness is to accumulate as much money as possible, by any means, and spend it wildly. I can't believe I've been on the right path all along.'

'I came home with $44.75, just enough to pay for dinner out.'