Speech Guru Gifts

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

Ban on Free Speech

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Inclusive speech

Create some buzz!

What's normal?

"A dozen eggs and a pint of semi-skimmed...Sorry, looks like I left my presentation in my other coat."

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'I look forward to a bigger and bolder vision in my 2nd term.'

We need a Europe of U-turns.

"My master's vowel hyperarticulation is wearing a bit thin..."

"I believe I can create a great presentation if I can only tap into my cognitive dissonance."

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."

'Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure my little talk has made you all think'

Tonight: Town Hall Meeting. With free speech, sometimes I think that you get what you pay for!

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Presentation skills.

'Come on, Walter, you're wasting out time! Stop using complete sentences!'

"In response to your request for better communications, I'm going to increase my lengthy explanation by 50%."

"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"

The Thinker. The Listener

A. Lincoln, President. The "of the people, by the people, for the people" part is great, Abe, but the "people who need people" section may be overkill.