Soy Milk Skeptic Gifts

'I don't care what the health experts say...I don't do soy milk.'

"Please don't kill me."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"You had me at alternative milk."

Gullib-Os

"I'm now too old to produce milk, and I can't afford to retire as yet, so I've had to diversify..."

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"Do you have anything on the menu without maple syrup on it?"

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

'It says all the chemical ingredients in this food were made by organic, free range scientists.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

"Oh, I do a little grass on occasion, but I avoid the heavy cruciferous greens."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

The meat's fine,it's just the milk tastes of gherkins.

"Can you make me a tall Tazo chai latte with soy milk?" Bartleby, the soon-to-be-unemployed barista.

Corporate urban legends

'Boy! Did I get some bad news today! I found out french fries is a veg'table!'

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified foods will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

'Soy milk, soy burgers...imagine being replaced by a bean.'

Studies show some foods work miracles/study says studies are a crock.