Soy Milk Skeptic Gifts

'I don't care what the health experts say...I don't do soy milk.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"Please don't kill me."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"You had me at alternative milk."

Gullib-Os

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"I'm now too old to produce milk, and I can't afford to retire as yet, so I've had to diversify..."

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"Do you have anything on the menu without maple syrup on it?"

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? "Death of a Salesman." Adapted to a fly, of course.

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

'It says all the chemical ingredients in this food were made by organic, free range scientists.'

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

"Oh, I do a little grass on occasion, but I avoid the heavy cruciferous greens."

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

'Boy! Did I get some bad news today! I found out french fries is a veg'table!'

The meat's fine,it's just the milk tastes of gherkins.

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified foods will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"

"Can you make me a tall Tazo chai latte with soy milk?" Bartleby, the soon-to-be-unemployed barista.

Corporate urban legends

Studies show some foods work miracles/study says studies are a crock.