Sonographers Gifts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'Why don't you ever look at ME that way?'

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Cut!

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Jazz is Invented

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

Canadian film production

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

"We tried 'Baby Mozart,' but he prefers 'Baby John Cage.'"

Boy serenading a girl with a large amplifiers and speakers.

"I finally gave in, I got sick of hearing, 'Polly want a podcast?... Polly want a podcast!'"

New music conference

'From albums to 8-tracks to cassettes to CD's...What a long, loud trip it's been!'

Annoying neighbours - irritating wind chimes

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"You can tell it's a period drama because they're not wearing ozone helmets."

'What luck! A sound technician.'

Kirsten Johnson

"All stories have been told, all songs have been sung. But that won't stop us from making movie reboots."

"Citizen Kane first draft... Citizen Kane By Orson Welles & Herman J. Mankiewicz Int. Kane's bedroom Kane's old voice Call a freaking ambulance! Rosebud..."

"Did you notice how the cables never get tangled!"

"Tinnitus?"

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.