Sofa Critic Gifts

"It's a couch, not a settee, you posh git!"

Coming back

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Bloody hell!"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

'No way Doug! You can not stick it to the man in new season, smart casual menswear!'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

The sofa freshly made up...

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

'-but surely it's unusual to have nightmares with COMMERCIALS?'

'I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was busy critiquing your outfit?'

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

'If you want a reality check, I'll have to see two pieces of I. D.'

TV Watch(ing) Dog for sale.

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

"God, I love this show!"

"Still judging people on stuff you could never do?"

Emotional Baggage Handler

"I can't wait till after the election when everything will be perfect."

'A new study of people who watch television all the time reveals some shocking facts....'

"And remember the rule: when the carpet is old, that's when we hold, when the carpet is new, that's when we spew!"

"I told you that TV would be too big for this room."

"... And how long have you had this total fixation with T.V.?"

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

'Here, you're allowed to sharpen your claws to your heart's content!'