Societal Standards Gifts

Why weren't we born rich instead of beautiful?

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Lenny?" "Darrell?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

Dog Dressed to Eat

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

'I know a lot of wives let themselves go when they're married- but AFTER the reception?'

'I want a holiday that will impress the neighbours, which country offers most kudos to the Pound?'

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"Everything I know about being human I learned from animals."

Victorian woman at a bar.

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"I feel like such a failure...I'm almost thirty five and I should be on husband number two, and starting my third career choice by now!"

"Ever since I was a little boy I wanted to be a fireman."

"He must be very secure in his masculinity."

"Sorry, these are saved."

'Believe me, son, she's a much better choice for you than that skinny girl, Cinderella!'

'-and stop saying 'who's carrying who over the threshold?''

'The effects of aging are inevitable. Either accept it, or inject it.'

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

"Hey, you can't cut in line like that! - Who do you think you are?"

Sign Reads: Loiter At Your Own Risk.

"Imagine the body shaming she went through."

'I pronounce you Wife and Man...'

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."

"You mind if I smoke?"

"We've been trying on religion to see if it fits, and it does."

'Just who the heck are you to decide who's naughty or nice? Quit trying to impose your ideas of morality on everyone else!!'

"Since you don't know how to play house, you can be the dad."

'What are they all staring at - have I got two heads or something?'