Social Norms Scholar Gifts

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Dog Dressed to Eat

"Lenny?" "Darrell?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"We have to stop meeting like this – people are starting to talk ‘psychiatric ward.’"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'I know a lot of wives let themselves go when they're married- but AFTER the reception?'

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

"He appears to be evolving differently to us!"

"Don't make eye-contact, don't make eye-contact..."

'I want a holiday that will impress the neighbours, which country offers most kudos to the Pound?'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"Everything I know about being human I learned from animals."

'We have a strict dress code. Can't let you in without a straightjacket and tie.'

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"If being normal is so natural.....why is it such a strain?"

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"I feel like such a failure...I'm almost thirty five and I should be on husband number two, and starting my third career choice by now!"

"He must be very secure in his masculinity."

'Believe me, son, she's a much better choice for you than that skinny girl, Cinderella!'

Al's Diner. No Tipping (wink, wink).

"Sorry, these are saved."

"You mind if I smoke?"

"We've been trying on religion to see if it fits, and it does."

"I think they want you to leave it outside."

Sign Reads: Loiter At Your Own Risk.

'I pronounce you Wife and Man...'

"Hey, you can't cut in line like that! - Who do you think you are?"

"Since you don't know how to play house, you can be the dad."

'What are they all staring at - have I got two heads or something?'