Societal Norms Gifts

"Since you don't know how to play house, you can be the dad."

"You've had to be kind to survive, and I've had to be nasty."

'What are they all staring at - have I got two heads or something?'

"You're going to have to start marrying people at some point."

"Careful, pal! 'Hillbilly' is a word you're not allowed to use unless you are one."

'That's as maybe, mister Frimley, but there's still no such thing as inner-child benefit.'

'Under-achiever, special needer, aspergers, remedial reader, hyperactive, maladjusted, eating disorder, obese.'

Folie á Trois.

'I want a holiday that will impress the neighbours, which country offers most kudos to the Pound?'

I make it a policy not to smack children. You don't have any children! Exactly!

'I have sudden urges to dress up in mens clothes...!'

'I pronounce you Wife and Man...'

'We don't have to do this, you know. We have privacy rights.'

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

A woman imagines growing a beard.

Dog Dressed to Eat

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Lenny?" "Darrell?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"We have to stop meeting like this – people are starting to talk ‘psychiatric ward.’"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

'I know a lot of wives let themselves go when they're married- but AFTER the reception?'

"Don't make eye-contact, don't make eye-contact..."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"He appears to be evolving differently to us!"

"Everything I know about being human I learned from animals."

'We have a strict dress code. Can't let you in without a straightjacket and tie.'

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"I feel like such a failure...I'm almost thirty five and I should be on husband number two, and starting my third career choice by now!"

"If being normal is so natural.....why is it such a strain?"