Socially Witty Friend Pillows

"I've made peace with my demons."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Bangers and Mash

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

"He's starting to flag a bit"

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"...and in conclusion..."

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

Shall I be mother?

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

Death reads a bedtime story.

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Robinia Floribunda

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."

Home Business - Wife.

"Don't get too excited. Getting a filling does not make you a cyborg."

"Any chance of some credit?"

"I hope you're not allergic to cats...Fluffy just loves visitors!"

Armour Plate

'I don't think she's pretty.' 'Neither do I.' (After a pause.) 'Did she refuse you too?'

"Now where did I park my car?"

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"