Satirical Friend Pillows

"I'm looking for a card that says 'Sorry about the herpes.'"

Death reads a bedtime story.

"Actually I prefer contactless!"

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

Maybe there's something to this global warming after all.

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

Minority Report

'He takes his organization chart seriously.'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

What do you say we team up to star in a sequel to "The Elephant Man" called "The Wolverine Boy"? !

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

Where the framers of the Constitution bought their frames.

Boring Board Meeting

"All those in favor of eroticizing our annual report 'aye.'"

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"I was forced into early retirement. Is that even legal?"

"Can you hear me now?"

"Well of COURSE it's mostly gobble-dee-gook! Were you expecting something different?"

A Failiure to Communicate

Gregg Allman

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

A guy who learned everything he needed to know in Kindergarten.

'So what do we have here?' - dart board says, Take the Day Off, Ignore the Loser,Do What the Goof Says, and Act Interested.

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"Thank you all for attending this first conference of the surveillance camera recording industry."

"Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character." "I thought my job depended on it." "I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal." "You said 'Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it.'" "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... That's just a figure of speech." "You went on to say 'I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech.'" "That was a figure of speech too."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'You were in commodities - cattle, stuff like that - so you must feel right at home here.'

'Gentlemen, circle around on the spot several times and be seated.' - At the dog AGM

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"But I don't want my constituents to vote for the most qualified candidate! I want them to vote for me!"