Satirical Lover Pillows

"I've got nothing on for the next few months, do you fancy sex?"

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

Occu-Pie Mars

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

UK/US Free Trade Deal

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

Trump pardons

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

"Away with the warmonger!"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

This Message Has No Content

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

Oligarchy

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

National Everything Awareness Day

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."