Socially Witty Friend T-Shirts

"I've made peace with my demons."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Bangers and Mash

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"...and in conclusion..."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

Shall I be mother?

"The world revolves around my cat."

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

'Bernie, you're not gonna have anything disgusting to hurl at zoo visitors if you forget this.'

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

Home Business - Wife.

Robinia Floribunda

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Death reads a bedtime story.

"Don't get too excited. Getting a filling does not make you a cyborg."

"Any chance of some credit?"

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."

"I hope you're not allergic to cats...Fluffy just loves visitors!"

'I don't think she's pretty.' 'Neither do I.' (After a pause.) 'Did she refuse you too?'

"Now where did I park my car?"

No, it doesn't come furnished.

Armour Plate