Socially Aware Joker Pillows

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

Minority Report Is Real

"Yep, it says "pesticide"! Not only are they trying to kill us, they also insult us by calling us pests!"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

Jim's Smart Kettle

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

'At least you still think I'm great, don't you, boy?'

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

I never had a pony, Dr. Kapuchnik. Get over it, Al. Tastes like chicken.

Democracy In Action

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

birthday meets reality

Valentine's Day Cards. Do you have one somewhere between affection and commitment?

'I like my women like I like my light bulbs; dim, cheap & easily replaced.'