Socialite Humorist Gifts

"At work, they call me benchmark."

The prying mantis,

"Yes, one is a dog."

"It was a holiday I'll never forget...I saw life in the raw!"

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

Children's Party

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"Another flue shot, Larry.

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

"'Mr. Evans,' she said to me with that adorable smile, 'I think you're the nicest boy in the entire old-boy network.'"

"Adorable. Is yours a rescue too?"

"I'm after the history section."

Inhospitality tent.

"Whoa! Wrong bar?"

"Pat's independently wealthy and dependably entertaining."

"Bob choked on a spoon of caviar while he was on skiing vacation in St. Moritz."

"God help us, it's that guy."

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

"These 'ordinary working class' types, I think my scout at Oxford must have been one."

Rod was unimpressed with the party - Sure, he was surrounded by bikini-clad lovelies, there was free champagne and a 20-foot jelly, but much to his chagrin, there was a distinct lack of cheese and pineapple chunks.

"It keeps me from looking at my phone every two seconds."

'I'm Anna Nicole Smith. But not THE Anna Nicole Smith!'

'Fill 'er up Fred!'

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

"Sometimes I have this awful feeling I'm really a West Side Person."

"Brian's considering the optics."

"All the better to ignore you with."

A day at the races

'Ah, beer! And the bringer of beer!'

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

Wine tasters...