Sober Sipper Pillows

"I'll just have a Diet Coke. I'm in the middle of my novel."

Official Whore Artist/Official Piss Artist

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

The last song before the party exploded.

"...Stop complaining if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"You had me at alternative milk."

'Make it a microbrew, Jake! I've gone organic!'

Running Latte

"I'll have the usual."

"Getting drunk grilling lettuce just isn't the same."

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

Lemonade without borders.

"I'm feeling less stressed since I set my biological clock back an hour."

'Come to order' 'I'll have a burger, hold the mayo, and a large cola.'

"Don't you worry JB, everything is fine here."

"And would you like a wine stopper?"

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

"When I was your age, I was a lot older."

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

“There once was a woman who lived in a can of prebiotic soda… & only then did she consume enough to reap the health benefits claimed on the label.”

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

"A friendly warning, pal—this is a sports bar."

The youth shows responsibility!

'Don't you have anything larger?'

'A wine list? How prosaic. This is our list of lists: beer, wine, single malt scotch, water, soda, cognac...'

Scariest Tactics

Walking here to the tavern allows me to decrease my carbon footprint and increase my bourbon footprint.

Parson wishing to seem as though he is not drinking

"I avoided the flu all winter...but spring fever finally got me."