Snobby Foodie Pillows

"How do I tell a diner 'no ketchup' in a courteous, yet condescending way?"

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'You're supposed to just lick the cone!'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Hi, Honey. For dinner we're having Shis Kabob."

'I would kill for a truffle.'

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

Inappropriate garnish.

'Trust me, Madam, that fish is fresh!'

'A sandwich?'

'Madam, we do not discuss Julia Child at Maison Henri.'

'Perhaps monsieur found the Vichyssoise 'crunchy' because the soup bowl was not edible.'

The Chef's dumplings were his speciality.

'These are my dieting glasses. They magnify the food so I think I'm eating more than I really am.'

Gentrification of the Fridge.

'You'd better cut it into six pieces I don't think I could eat eight!'

"Is this from the community garden? It tastes sanctimonious."

"It's adjusted for inflation. A dollar a chip."

"The people next door eat a lot better."

'I'm picking up unsubtle hints of coffee.'

'How do you expect me to reconcile Breughel's Wedding Banquet on your place-mats with bland mid-western cuisine?'

'I think you'll enjoy this, Master James... it's sassy but bovine.'

'I love pretentious pasta!'

Welcome at the Healthful Restaurant. We allow neither cholesterol, GM food, colourings, dust nor guests.

"Yes, I'm sure it looked cute and clean, but I would sooner starve to death than eat lunch in a place called Jennifer's Biscuit."

"....My wife and I are strict humanitarians."

"It's not even artisanal."

Gordon Ramsey's Dog.

'Pretty label...shiny bottle...I'll take it!'

Gourmet Deli - Express Check-Out: $1000 or less.

'How gauche! Serving oyster crackers with clam chowder.'