Snobby Dining Fan Gifts

'Please pass the Grey Purr-r-pon.'

"How can you be out of wings?"

Big Tex Silver Saddle Restaurant advertises 'BBQ, $10, Chatter in a Vanishing Regional Dialect $1.00 Extra.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"What did Jesus order?"

'We'll start with a menu and a glass of water.'

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Some days, we all just feel like a little take-out lo mein.

"How about a little more coffee?"

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"....and some apple pie for dessert...oh miss, remember that a la mode!"

'Are you ready to be patronised yet?'

'Sorry about that - Lenny accidentally used jumping beans.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"I'm told the omelettes here have a broader purpose."

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

'Ignore him, he's just angry because you're eating out of his bowl.'

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Waiter - there's no fly in my soup!"

'I told you not to order the stake.'

"We think it sort of brightens up the breakfast."

"Bring me a bottle of chardonnay and one long straw."

"Quick! Tiptoe out and phone the Fire Service!"

"She isn't a 'young lady'. That's my wife!"

"Yes, I'm sure it looked cute and clean, but I would sooner starve to death than eat lunch in a place called Jennifer's Biscuit."

"Captain, this Brie is totally out of control!"

"I'm enrolled in a total immersion wine class."

'Gentlemen, tonight's special is broiled sea urchin, with raspberries, over candy corn, with a goat's milk sauce. I would suggest a wine to recommend with it, had I attended sommelier school in the Twilight Zone.'

"Hey, Merle, table 8 wants ham and eggs. . . Errr. . . chocolate!"

'Red meat is bad for you.' 'No, red meat is not bad for me. Green meat is bad for me!'

Diner. We'll have a hamburger and a veggie burger, please. Two burgers -- One regular and one de-calf.

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

OPENING NIGHT OF HARVEY'S CANOE RESTAURANT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS...DESPITE THE CAPSIZE INCIDENT

"How do I tell a diner 'no ketchup' in a courteous, yet condescending way?"