Snob-free Sommelier Gifts

French Wine Tasting

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

"I make it myself!"

Keith Floyd.

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'Been toying with Bordeaux futures again, have we?'

"I'm getting plasma, iron and platelets. RH positive!"

"I'm sure you've heard of foodies - he's a drinkie."

Wine tasting

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

'In the interests of full disclosure, federal law now requires me to inform you that I own shares in the winery whose product I am serving this evening.'

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

Nouveau wine

"I'm in the middle of a local wine tasting tour."

"I'm feeling less stressed since I set my biological clock back an hour."

"House red, sir?"

"You may not know this, but I've become quite the wine expert."

'This Chardonnay is so over-oaked, it comes with a 2-year service contract from Terminix.'

"It tastes and smells just like a glass of wine!"

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

"And this is our 'panic room'. We usually pop in here after watching the nightly news."

Prosecco Drinker

"I had no idea Dom Perignon came with a screw top."

"It's an unpretentious little wine!"

'And this is my dad. He's the wine critic for The Herald and he can drink your dads under the table.'

"What wine goes best with vodka?"

'Dear, of course no one can tell you what they think of the wine, you haven't told them how much it cost yet.'