Novice Sommelier Gifts

'Close enough, the one on your right is the red. Congratulation! You're our new wine critic.'

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

Just the one...

'Been toying with Bordeaux futures again, have we?'

"I'm sure you've heard of foodies - he's a drinkie."

'In the interests of full disclosure, federal law now requires me to inform you that I own shares in the winery whose product I am serving this evening.'

Nouveau wine

"House red, sir?"

"I'm feeling less stressed since I set my biological clock back an hour."

"I'm in the middle of a local wine tasting tour."

"You may not know this, but I've become quite the wine expert."

'This Chardonnay is so over-oaked, it comes with a 2-year service contract from Terminix.'

"And this is our 'panic room'. We usually pop in here after watching the nightly news."

"I'm making Thanksgiving dinner this year. Do you have Turkey Helper?"

'And this is my dad. He's the wine critic for The Herald and he can drink your dads under the table.'

Wine-tasting Tour.

"I understand he's in aroma therapy.''

'How many times did you think you could get away with using the term 'bouchon d'expedition' on the first date?'

'I wonder if we strike wine again!'

"Yeah, I'll say that's a good head, now is there any chance you can put ome beer under it?"

"Examine the bottle? Sniff the cork? At these prices why am I doing all the work?"

'This wine doesn't need to breathe...it needs CPR!'

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

"While here, you'll have to try our food desert, too!"

"Might I suggest a full-bodied white?"

"Ewww – Cabernet with tuna fish?"

(I'm tasting berries with deep earth overtones and a definite hint of almond) (That would be the Cyanide.)

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

"What would the world be like without wine? I can't bear to think of it."

'A regular chip off the old bottle.'