Sneakerhead Satirist Gifts

'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a profitable sneaker endorsement.'

"I can't decide. I'm having a brand identity crisis."

Emergency Hipster Beard

'Top of the line sport shoes: They've improved my top speed by 0.5 kmh...'

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

"How come in these days of downsizing and lower expectations, all these sneakers come with ridiculously long laces?"

'Have you any W fronts?'

All it takes is a little willpower and a good metabolism...

Support Group for high heels abandoned during the pandemic

"Wait, I'll go down with you. I'm just changing back into my rubber-soled actionwear."

Maria had always said you could never have too many shoes. Actually, she was wrong.

"Do you have a shoe for roaming and prowling?"

The Inventor of the Man Bun!

'The meaning of life is to get a nice sneaker contract.'

'It must be love if your sneakers melted!'

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

'We live in a designer trainer.'

Casting out the Shoe Devil.

"Gap... Tony Soprano fit"

'... And for $50 more, this is the same basketball shoe in a turbo model.'

"Got to have a pair of those!"

'So how did Hakeem take it when you told him we'd be paying him in footwear instead of cash this year, for being our spokesman?'

'You have a very advanced case of athlete's foot.'

"Wingtips--this is a white collar gang."

"Remember me? I'm your running shoes. Remember what running is?"

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

'Bad news. Your arm is too injured to hold up those sneakers you endorse on TV.'

'Yes, but it was a glass ballet flat that I lost.'

'If I have to buy my sneakers with MY money, doesn't that blur the line between allowance and support.'

Blogging Shoes

"I have a personal trainer."

'Shall I box up the shoes, or does your son want to fly them home?'