Snarky Commenter Gifts

"#My #name #is #Mike #and #I #am #addicted #to #Twitter."

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Expressions of mystery.

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"Can you hear me now?"

'My dear boy its a wonderful display of post modern expressionism with overtones of Dada.'

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

Beware of the Blog.

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

Art Gallery.

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

China deploys troops to prepare for an American invasion of North Korea. Russia warns that if America attacks Syria again, Russia will respond with force. Y'know, last time we had a world war, we weren't the ones everyone was defending themselves against. Sometimes when you're playing tag, it's more fun to be "it." We should have out own political show.

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

"Yes, your work does speak to me and it's telling me you can't paint."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

Who has two thumbs and

Stopping Coronavirus

"Every few years, Gordon and the TV get a couple of inches wider."

"We'll now start boarding Group 9... Please remember your inferiority as you walk past the other groups, you cheap, dirty, cretins."

'No.32...congratulations: your pay is frozen. No.38...well done: you're on short term working. No.14...'

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

"My big fat ego has just discovered Twitter!"

"If the stock market fluctuates due to the emotions of mostly men, isn't there some kind of hormonal therapy available to level those out for them?"

"Help!"

'This is a ten year old whisky.' 'I suppose you were too stingey to buy a new one.'

Potholes and the homeless: The solution

"As a politician I talk meaningless stuff all day long, nobody has noticed in years that I don't have a clue, and I get paid a lot of money for it. Basically I'm also an artist."

My opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the station, its advertisers and especially the teleprompter technician, who thinks I'm a total freakin' mor