Smooth Talker Wannabe T-Shirts

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

A tortoise running along the side of the road, panting.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Bryan Ferry

"A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something."

'May I have the key to your heart?'

I'll admit I haven't been waiting all my life to meet you, but I have waited through a rough pencil sketch, the inking process and Photoshop lettering. Surely that's worth something! !?!

'Correct me if I'm wrong.' (Everyone holds their hand up).

'I was 'Sweatin' To The Oldies', and I flipped over on my back!'

"So, do you walk the talk? Replete the tweet? Sext the text?"

'Thanks for the order, Mr Barnes and I want you to think of me as your friend.'

The Language of Love

Obedience School.

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

'Did anyone ever tell you that you look lovely under the glow of these energy saver lights?'

Mail and Femail restrooms for envelopes.

"It's your real-estate agent. She says she may have found you a higher ledge."

That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

"I'm afraid the Will Ferrell quotes and hilarious duck impressions just aren't covering your low productivity levels any more, Ted."

You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that? Many times. How would you like to be the "after" image in my new ad touting the health benefits of our new nonfat kale macchiato. Let me guess: You'd also like an old picture of me where I was weak and puny, so you can claim that's the "before" picture. Don't worry, I've got that part covered. Something about you looked different today, Rudy. Would you like fries with that observation?

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

"Idolistentopodcastsatdoublespeed. How'dyouknow?"

'For the last time: no, you could not interest me in a cold fusion experiment!'

"You look so beautiful. Twinkling in the moonlight."

J. Ludlow: Soldier, Statesman, Author, Windbag.

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

To absent friends. Yours or mine?

"I prefer to think of it as travel size."

'Expensive wine, long-stem roses, imported candies...wasn't our argument about MY spending habits?'

Speed Checked by Radar.

"Sure you remember me. I'm the guy who collapsed here last night... right in front of your... and had to be rushed to the hospital."

"You say the nicest things. . . and perfectly sober as well."

"Compliments of the gentleman who obviously has no issues with rejection."