Slow Dining Aficionado Gifts

Slow food.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wow, these lights stay on the red cycle for a very long time.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"How's the salmon?"

"Expense account or regular?"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

You'll see the food is excellent, but the service is far too slow....

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"My compliments to the sommelier."

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

Slow food restaurant

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"I realize your steak was tough but you didn't have to make such a stink about it."

'Heads it's mortgage payment, tails it's 1st growth Bordeaux.'

'The Rush Orders department is a shambles, Briggs, and I think you're just the man to turn it around,'

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"And what would you like to regret later?"

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"