Skirt Defender Gifts

"Has it ever occurred to anyone that if we stopped wearing these damned skirts we wouldn't have to march off to defend our manhood every five minutes?"

"If you hold a shell to your ear you can hear the ocean..."

Believe it or not, I'm sitting her watching the fights. Harry versus the crabgrass, the moles, the insects...

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'Oh,oh, Regina has her lawyer with her.'

'What a lot of fuss, fancy being afraid of an 'itsy-bitsy' little mouse like this!'

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

'How long did you try before calling?'

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

"Sorry, I'm only allowed to save humans, not refugees. Here in the EU we've got humanitarian values, you know?"

Art Theft

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

The Moth Menace.

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

"Now remember if we do meet a shark, a sharp rap on his nose....

'It's a survival trick: I'm making sure the fur-traders have no interest in my hide...'

Pest Control

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

'This has been taking up all of my time.'

'Maybe you should ease up on the burglar.'

"I think you've done a fine job of protecting the underlying canvas from the elements with paint."

"By the way, how's that lawsuit against the home insurance company going?"

A difference of opinion over fashion

"I don't let them bite. They just do."

"Look, I've got nothing against globalization, just as long as it's not in my backyard."

"Think about it Dad: if we were to build a moat around our house, it would keep cats at bay..."

I warned you putting poison down for the ants only makes them stronger.