Skirt Defender Pillows

"Has it ever occurred to anyone that if we stopped wearing these damned skirts we wouldn't have to march off to defend our manhood every five minutes?"

"If you hold a shell to your ear you can hear the ocean..."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

Believe it or not, I'm sitting her watching the fights. Harry versus the crabgrass, the moles, the insects...

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'Oh,oh, Regina has her lawyer with her.'

'What a lot of fuss, fancy being afraid of an 'itsy-bitsy' little mouse like this!'

'How long did you try before calling?'

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

"Sorry, I'm only allowed to save humans, not refugees. Here in the EU we've got humanitarian values, you know?"

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.

Art Theft

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

Darn it, you're touching my half of the love seat again.

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

The Moth Menace.

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

"It's important to be authentic"

How do you keep cats out of your garden? I catch the little sneaks

'It's a survival trick: I'm making sure the fur-traders have no interest in my hide...'

"Now remember if we do meet a shark, a sharp rap on his nose....

Pest Control

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

'This has been taking up all of my time.'

'Maybe you should ease up on the burglar.'

"By the way, how's that lawsuit against the home insurance company going?"

A difference of opinion over fashion

My house is infected with bugs! Pest Control, Inc. Who shall I say is crawling?

"I don't let them bite. They just do."

"I think you've done a fine job of protecting the underlying canvas from the elements with paint."

"Look, I've got nothing against globalization, just as long as it's not in my backyard."

"Think about it Dad: if we were to build a moat around our house, it would keep cats at bay..."